An Apple a Day Keeps the Doctors Away

How to Eat an Apple
1. By a bag of apples, or pick one from an apple orchard. If picking an apple, then read steps 2,3, and 4. If not, skip them. If buying an apple read steps 5,6,7,8, if not skip them.
2. Find an orchard that is okay for you to pick in. Find an apple tree that has ripe apples hanging on it's branches.(They're ripe when they're about the size of you're fist and not too hard)
3. Grab the apple of you're choice with you're hand.
4. Twist clockwise until falls off the tree into your hand.
5. Go to grocery store or local fruit stand. (Make sure you have aboout ten dollars with you)
6. Pick an Apple or a bag of apples, any kind will work.
7. Go to cash register or whoever is selling the apples (usually at the front of the store)
8. They will tell you how much money to pay them for the apples. Give them you're ten dollars and take the money they give back to you if there is any.
9.Go to the place you want to eat your apple. It can be any where, unless it is a place where there is no eating aloud, or your around someone who is allergic to apples. An easy way to find out is to ask anyone around you if they are allergic to Apples.
10. Hold the apple you want to eat with the stem, long and wooden, is at the top, and the dent is at the bottom. Make sure your hand is leaving some of the apple uncovered.
11. Find the spot you left uncovered, not the stem or the dent.
12. Open your mouth
13.Put your front teeth into the apple. Just a couple millimeters in.
14. Put your bottom teeth into the apple, justa few millimeters in.
15. Put your teeth together, your teeth will go through the apple and pop it into your mouth. Hint: Go slow, the apple may be hard and it would take more effort to bite it off.
16. Once apple bite is in your mouth, take the rest of the apple away and hold it until you've completed steps 17,18, and 19.
17. Chew the apple bite that's in your mouth by pushing your teeth together, pulling them apart and putting them together. try to keep your lips closed while doing this.
18. Once the bite is a pulp puish it to the back of your throat with your tounge. you're body will atomatically swallow.
19. Repeat steps 11-18 until apple is only a core. this is when seeds are showing and the stem and dent are still on the apple.
20. Throw apple core into garbage.
21. If still hungry, repeat with another apple.

Am I a Slangwhanger? (Obnoxious writer)

"What a Hodge-podge!( an assortment of odds and ends)" I, Watson, exclaimed at the list of suspects."We'll never figure this out!"
Holmes snorted. "You, my dear Watson, are anencephalous (lacking a brain)" He sighed. " The answer is plain."
"Codswallop (nonsense)!" I shouted indignantly (offendedly)"You bloviate (brag, speak pompously). There is no way you can know the murderer from this list."
"You are Batrachomyomachy (making a mountain out of a molehill)"
This went on Boustrophedon (in a back and forth pattern) until I yelled "You are discombobulateing (confuseing) and flummoxing (exasperateing) me!"
"Then let me prove to you that my knowledge is true."
"Fine."
"Maven Thompson is guilty."
"Why?"
"Let me finish! Maven Thompson is a Quean and I will prove it"
"A Queen?"
"No, Watson a Quean, Q-U-E-A-N, meaning disreputable woman."
"You Petifogger (Confuse me with your speech)"
"You're no better. Anyhow, she is known to have abibliophobia (A fear of no reading material). She takes out more than she returns. Obviously, the victim, also known as the librarian, would no longer allow her to borrow books, so she, the librarian, was slain (killed) with a snickersnee (long knife) by Maven."
"Cockamamie! (Absurd)"
"Shall we try there then?" Holmes questioned. "If she is the jackanapes (Hooligan), then we'll put her in hoosegow(jail), and be done with it."
"Fine!" I grabbed my furphy (water container) and we set off, both in a dudgeon (bad mood).