A Real Baby
When I was a baby...I was acrobatic. NO kidding, I must have set the world record for the most near death experiences. Most of it was because my parents first child, my brother Caleb, was perfect. He was the baby all of the books were based on. He slept at the right time, ate at the right time, talked at the right time, walked at the right time. You can't hold anything against him. The only thing he did wrong was come out of the womb sunny side up,or face first. I would fault him for that, except I did the same thing. Even my grandparents told my parents that they'd get a 'real baby' next time.
They did. I was next in line, and I always kept my parents on their toes. First thing was, babies were supposed to sleep on their back. I cried and cried until they flipped me over onto my stomach, and then I was fast asleep. Now, my mom worked at a preschool, so she brought me along. (Quick aside, my Mom grew up in Africa, so she kind of does things differently than normal moms. Such as not taking maternity leave.) She thought it was time for my nap, so she settled me on a blanket in the next room and waited for me to fall asleep. It worked with Caleb...but I was a 'real baby'.
I was convinced it was not nap time, so when she left the room to go work, I cried and cried and cried....and cried. I wanted attention, not dreams and rest. When I realized she wasn't coming back I stopped crying and decided to explore. I kicked my legs over and over again, scooting across the room on my stomach. It was slow going, but my mom had heard I was silent, and assumed I was asleep. She kept working, and I kept scooting. I wasn't really crawling, as I was only 3 weeks old, but I was definitely moving.
My mom came to check on me when I started crying again. When she walked in, I wasn't on the blanket. There was a little trail of blood though, and her eyes followed it until she saw me, kicking and screaming, stuck under a drum set, the reason I was crying. When she picked me up from the trap I was in, she saw my toes were streaming blood, from when I was kicking them against the carpet, the answer to the blood trail. I think that was about the time she took her maternity leave...
And that wasn't the last time I surprised my mother with my acrobatics and stubbornness either. I flipped my car seats off counters, walked at ten months, and would refuse to eat sandwiches if they didn't land on the plate correctly. When I was asked to say something correctly, I would either say that's what I said, or I can't say that very well. I was a 'real baby' all right.
Sledding:
This was around Christmas time, when I was four. We had this really long and steep hill behind our house, and this year it happened to be covered with about three feet of snow. We invited another family to come over and go sledding.
Our sleds were in the form of big inner tubes. They glided really well on the snow and ice, but my mom was always worried that the inner tube fabric would tear on rocks and sticks. For this reason, we were told to stop short of the woods beneath the hill. But my mom didn't know how fats and icy it really was. Squealing and laughing we sped down the hill again and again, then trudged back top the top for the next ride. We barely missed a birdhouse, and we ended up hitting one of our guests, but we always managed to stop short of the woods.
Until later. By now we had made an icy track on the already icy hill and we were making breathtakingly fast runs. The ride in question was taken by my brother Caleb and I. It started out like all of the others, and we were chortling with glee. Then Caleb realized what we all should've a long time ago. We were going too fast, and the woods were coming up fast. We tried to stop, but we were only four and six. The tube was too big and going too fast for us to possibly succeed.
So we held on tight, certain that as soon as we entered the tree line the tube would blow up. Of course it didn't, and soon the small bushes and grass clumps pulled our tube to a stop. I don't think the tube was ruined, but I don't remember.
Australia:
Now I think it was the autumn after that sledding day that we moved to Australia to plant a church. We lived there for eighteen months in a white cement house with a pink kitchen and a big backyard. The House was cement so that we would keep cool in the hot Australian climate. In the back yard, I remember three different things happening.
One thing was, this was where my 'horses' lived. These, of course, were imaginary creatures that I had to substitute real horses. There were about twenty of them and I knew them all by name and color. Every day I went out to pet them, feed them and ride them. I led them to fresh pastures and settled their squabbles with a kind but firm voice. They all loved me and would come when I whistled. Even if I didn't have food in my hands.
The next one was a very short memory. I decided to grow an orange tree in my backyard. Very carefully, I saved the orange seeds, planted them and watered them every day. I was so sure the would sprout and grow up to give us fresh oranges everyday, but they never did. I was very determined, but it was the wrong climate for them to grow and nothing came of my work.
Lastly there was Chomper. Chomper was a very big rottweiler that lived in the house behind ours. Our yards were separated by a very tall fence, so Caleb and I would climb a tree growing next to the fence and watch him. We were very interested in the big dog next door, mostly because we had no dog of our own. We were fascinated, but our little brother, Drew was not. Every time we heard that tell tale bark, our little trio split up. Caleb and I went to climb the tree to watch, and Drew would run screaming inside and slam the screen door. He felt certain that the dog next door would jump over the five foot fence, and be stopped by the flimsy screen door. Chomper never even knew Drew was there.
Torn Between Friends:
I remember in first grade when I had two best friends. Two very jealous best friends. One's name was Audra, and the other was Joelle, who I called Jojo. We used to hang out all the time in first grade and play a game called pretty girls on the playground together. To this day I don't know what that game was about.
All I remember on this day was that they got into a fight. Somehow, they got mad at each other and it got so bad that they both wanted to tell the teacher. I remember seeing them, one after the other leave our playing spot on the carpet to tell the teacher...something. I think it was something like this 'Miss Bagely. Joelle/Audra is taking my best friend away from me' Meaning Audra/Joelle.Then they came back and gave silent treatment to each other while I tried to include them both in a conversation. It was very stressful from then until lunch.
When the lunch bell rang, Miss Bagely, the first grade teacher, called me over to talk with her. She said 'Both Joelle and Audra have come to talk to me today. I take it their having a fight and you're in the middle?' that's all I remember. It was a short but vivid memory, and I still wonder what the two girls said about me.
Mrs.Wiloughby's Class:
I am now in second grade, in a new wing of the school then I had been last year, and separated from my two best friends. Our class was a very fun one and this was a year full of many events. The first one I remember was the first day of school.
I couldn't find my class. I wandered down hall after hall, looking for the classroom, but I couldn't find it. I was a very prideful; second grader, so of course, I didn't ask for help. I eventually found it. That's all there is to that memory.Then there were the twins. Their names were Timothy and Wyatt and you could tell them apart by their ears. At least, I could. Wyatt's ears had a swirled pattern, whereas Tim's were more normal. Or the other way around. A long time later, I brought brownies to class on my birthday, and dropped the dish while it was still filled with brownies. It was a full year, but there was one highlight.
Now, at our school, they had one very strict rule that I remember. NO TOUCHING THE WALLS! It spread germs, apparently. So, one day, our class had been touching the walls in the hallway too much and we all had to sit on the side of the playground during recess. While we were there, there was a sudden crash . We didn't see anything, but the playground was blocking our view. The teacher watching us told us to stay put while she went to see what happened. there were shouts of excitement from children and whistles and yells from teachers as they tried to gather their classes together. Our teacher came back and hurriedly brought us back inside to the classroom, where we were informed that a tree had fallen from the neighboring forest. We spent the whole afternoon writing a story about it.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
An Apple a Day Keeps the Doctors Away
How to Eat an Apple
1. By a bag of apples, or pick one from an apple orchard. If picking an apple, then read steps 2,3, and 4. If not, skip them. If buying an apple read steps 5,6,7,8, if not skip them.
2. Find an orchard that is okay for you to pick in. Find an apple tree that has ripe apples hanging on it's branches.(They're ripe when they're about the size of you're fist and not too hard)
3. Grab the apple of you're choice with you're hand.
4. Twist clockwise until falls off the tree into your hand.
5. Go to grocery store or local fruit stand. (Make sure you have aboout ten dollars with you)
6. Pick an Apple or a bag of apples, any kind will work.
7. Go to cash register or whoever is selling the apples (usually at the front of the store)
8. They will tell you how much money to pay them for the apples. Give them you're ten dollars and take the money they give back to you if there is any.
9.Go to the place you want to eat your apple. It can be any where, unless it is a place where there is no eating aloud, or your around someone who is allergic to apples. An easy way to find out is to ask anyone around you if they are allergic to Apples.
10. Hold the apple you want to eat with the stem, long and wooden, is at the top, and the dent is at the bottom. Make sure your hand is leaving some of the apple uncovered.
11. Find the spot you left uncovered, not the stem or the dent.
12. Open your mouth
13.Put your front teeth into the apple. Just a couple millimeters in.
14. Put your bottom teeth into the apple, justa few millimeters in.
15. Put your teeth together, your teeth will go through the apple and pop it into your mouth. Hint: Go slow, the apple may be hard and it would take more effort to bite it off.
16. Once apple bite is in your mouth, take the rest of the apple away and hold it until you've completed steps 17,18, and 19.
17. Chew the apple bite that's in your mouth by pushing your teeth together, pulling them apart and putting them together. try to keep your lips closed while doing this.
18. Once the bite is a pulp puish it to the back of your throat with your tounge. you're body will atomatically swallow.
19. Repeat steps 11-18 until apple is only a core. this is when seeds are showing and the stem and dent are still on the apple.
20. Throw apple core into garbage.
21. If still hungry, repeat with another apple.
1. By a bag of apples, or pick one from an apple orchard. If picking an apple, then read steps 2,3, and 4. If not, skip them. If buying an apple read steps 5,6,7,8, if not skip them.
2. Find an orchard that is okay for you to pick in. Find an apple tree that has ripe apples hanging on it's branches.(They're ripe when they're about the size of you're fist and not too hard)
3. Grab the apple of you're choice with you're hand.
4. Twist clockwise until falls off the tree into your hand.
5. Go to grocery store or local fruit stand. (Make sure you have aboout ten dollars with you)
6. Pick an Apple or a bag of apples, any kind will work.
7. Go to cash register or whoever is selling the apples (usually at the front of the store)
8. They will tell you how much money to pay them for the apples. Give them you're ten dollars and take the money they give back to you if there is any.
9.Go to the place you want to eat your apple. It can be any where, unless it is a place where there is no eating aloud, or your around someone who is allergic to apples. An easy way to find out is to ask anyone around you if they are allergic to Apples.
10. Hold the apple you want to eat with the stem, long and wooden, is at the top, and the dent is at the bottom. Make sure your hand is leaving some of the apple uncovered.
11. Find the spot you left uncovered, not the stem or the dent.
12. Open your mouth
13.Put your front teeth into the apple. Just a couple millimeters in.
14. Put your bottom teeth into the apple, justa few millimeters in.
15. Put your teeth together, your teeth will go through the apple and pop it into your mouth. Hint: Go slow, the apple may be hard and it would take more effort to bite it off.
16. Once apple bite is in your mouth, take the rest of the apple away and hold it until you've completed steps 17,18, and 19.
17. Chew the apple bite that's in your mouth by pushing your teeth together, pulling them apart and putting them together. try to keep your lips closed while doing this.
18. Once the bite is a pulp puish it to the back of your throat with your tounge. you're body will atomatically swallow.
19. Repeat steps 11-18 until apple is only a core. this is when seeds are showing and the stem and dent are still on the apple.
20. Throw apple core into garbage.
21. If still hungry, repeat with another apple.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Am I a Slangwhanger? (Obnoxious writer)
"What a Hodge-podge!( an assortment of odds and ends)" I, Watson, exclaimed at the list of suspects."We'll never figure this out!"
Holmes snorted. "You, my dear Watson, are anencephalous (lacking a brain)" He sighed. " The answer is plain."
"Codswallop (nonsense)!" I shouted indignantly (offendedly)"You bloviate (brag, speak pompously). There is no way you can know the murderer from this list."
"You are Batrachomyomachy (making a mountain out of a molehill)"
This went on Boustrophedon (in a back and forth pattern) until I yelled "You are discombobulateing (confuseing) and flummoxing (exasperateing) me!"
"Then let me prove to you that my knowledge is true."
"Fine."
"Maven Thompson is guilty."
"Why?"
"Let me finish! Maven Thompson is a Quean and I will prove it"
"A Queen?"
"No, Watson a Quean, Q-U-E-A-N, meaning disreputable woman."
"You Petifogger (Confuse me with your speech)"
"You're no better. Anyhow, she is known to have abibliophobia (A fear of no reading material). She takes out more than she returns. Obviously, the victim, also known as the librarian, would no longer allow her to borrow books, so she, the librarian, was slain (killed) with a snickersnee (long knife) by Maven."
"Cockamamie! (Absurd)"
"Shall we try there then?" Holmes questioned. "If she is the jackanapes (Hooligan), then we'll put her in hoosegow(jail), and be done with it."
"Fine!" I grabbed my furphy (water container) and we set off, both in a dudgeon (bad mood).
Holmes snorted. "You, my dear Watson, are anencephalous (lacking a brain)" He sighed. " The answer is plain."
"Codswallop (nonsense)!" I shouted indignantly (offendedly)"You bloviate (brag, speak pompously). There is no way you can know the murderer from this list."
"You are Batrachomyomachy (making a mountain out of a molehill)"
This went on Boustrophedon (in a back and forth pattern) until I yelled "You are discombobulateing (confuseing) and flummoxing (exasperateing) me!"
"Then let me prove to you that my knowledge is true."
"Fine."
"Maven Thompson is guilty."
"Why?"
"Let me finish! Maven Thompson is a Quean and I will prove it"
"A Queen?"
"No, Watson a Quean, Q-U-E-A-N, meaning disreputable woman."
"You Petifogger (Confuse me with your speech)"
"You're no better. Anyhow, she is known to have abibliophobia (A fear of no reading material). She takes out more than she returns. Obviously, the victim, also known as the librarian, would no longer allow her to borrow books, so she, the librarian, was slain (killed) with a snickersnee (long knife) by Maven."
"Cockamamie! (Absurd)"
"Shall we try there then?" Holmes questioned. "If she is the jackanapes (Hooligan), then we'll put her in hoosegow(jail), and be done with it."
"Fine!" I grabbed my furphy (water container) and we set off, both in a dudgeon (bad mood).
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Goodbye Easter
Dear People of the World who Celebrate Easter,
As of next year, there will be no more Easter. That's right, no cutesy baskets, no fake grass, no plastic eggs, and NO CHOCOLATE! I am resigning from my job. Don't try to replace because there is no other bunny in the world that can lay eggs. Especially chocolate ones, or plastic ones filled with chocolate. I can lay both, and have suffered major health problems from it.
Many of you are thinking, that I have one of the easiest jobs in history but have any of you tried to dye over 1,000,000 eggs a year, then hide them all over the world? Not to mention when you go through all trouble only to find that there is someone who has already hidden the eggs for you (looking at you, parents!)? Or you bounce too hard and all the eggs break? Not to mention tripping on your own big feet, which happens often enough when you are a bunny. Besides, It is hard when you have to walk on two legs like you stupid humans do! My little frotnt paws can hardly carry tihe egg basket!
Why do you need me anyway? You big name companies have already monopolized Easter enough, you don't need a bunny to deliver eggs when everyone buys them from you? Especially when no one believes in me except the small children. I thank the small people aof your race who are still faithful to me.
For you, I will leave small tidbits of chocolates and stuffies. When all of you lose faith or interest in me, than the Easter bunny will be finished. There is no second chances for those who are born from now until then and there will be none for people who suddenly believe.
Sorry, but my mind in made up.
THE FINISHED,
Easter Bunny
As of next year, there will be no more Easter. That's right, no cutesy baskets, no fake grass, no plastic eggs, and NO CHOCOLATE! I am resigning from my job. Don't try to replace because there is no other bunny in the world that can lay eggs. Especially chocolate ones, or plastic ones filled with chocolate. I can lay both, and have suffered major health problems from it.
Many of you are thinking, that I have one of the easiest jobs in history but have any of you tried to dye over 1,000,000 eggs a year, then hide them all over the world? Not to mention when you go through all trouble only to find that there is someone who has already hidden the eggs for you (looking at you, parents!)? Or you bounce too hard and all the eggs break? Not to mention tripping on your own big feet, which happens often enough when you are a bunny. Besides, It is hard when you have to walk on two legs like you stupid humans do! My little frotnt paws can hardly carry tihe egg basket!
Why do you need me anyway? You big name companies have already monopolized Easter enough, you don't need a bunny to deliver eggs when everyone buys them from you? Especially when no one believes in me except the small children. I thank the small people aof your race who are still faithful to me.
For you, I will leave small tidbits of chocolates and stuffies. When all of you lose faith or interest in me, than the Easter bunny will be finished. There is no second chances for those who are born from now until then and there will be none for people who suddenly believe.
Sorry, but my mind in made up.
THE FINISHED,
Easter Bunny
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
You Definately Need... all of These!
Boots, The Best, and not just in the West:
By using wordplay, we can change the word 'boots' to 'boost'. And these Must-have shoes are a boost, in confidence and in height. That extra inch on the heel gives you an edge, and everyone around will give you a second, or maybe a third glance. Not to mention the somewhat pointed toes make you feel like you know exactly where your going. Besides, the no traction feature means you can literally glide across your floors. Everyone will notice you and you'll definitely have the most original shoes around. Best of all these shoes are authentic, so you can use them around any farm or ranch and fit in there too. Now conveniently priced at $70!
Comes in :
Cloud White
Bruise Black
Dusty Brown
Chestnut Red
Tux Jacket, For that Formal Occasion:
Jet black with a touch of sheen in the fabric, it entered the winter formal. There was no glove on its arm, but that didn't last. The ladies dressed as colorfully as butterflies soon swarmed around its black splendor, as if it were a drop of nectar.
Glancing down at my own Black coat it seemed to pale in the presence of its onyx glory and I knew that he would be the talk of the formal. Wishing I'd thought to buy something fancier than my fathers old Jacket, I tried to join the colorful swirl of skirts surrounding the Jacket, but was immediately pushed away.
It could be you under that Tux Magnificence. Buy today for $120.
The Bow Tie: For the Slightly Snazzy Society.
Ties are hard to tie. What length should it be? How tight should it be? What color in the world should I use?Is this too formal for tonight? Is it formal enough?
Forget that silly tie. Banish those questions from your mind. Here is your solution. A bow tie. Bows are no longer for girls, the have entered the man-wear category. Formal enough for any occasion, yet never too formal, it manages to catch the attention of anyone your with. Even your half blind Grandma will notice this graceful yet manly accessory.
Buy, and enter the uncomplicated life. $20 for two!
Comes in:
Rippin' Red
Blazen' Blue
Youth full Yellow
Graceful Green
By using wordplay, we can change the word 'boots' to 'boost'. And these Must-have shoes are a boost, in confidence and in height. That extra inch on the heel gives you an edge, and everyone around will give you a second, or maybe a third glance. Not to mention the somewhat pointed toes make you feel like you know exactly where your going. Besides, the no traction feature means you can literally glide across your floors. Everyone will notice you and you'll definitely have the most original shoes around. Best of all these shoes are authentic, so you can use them around any farm or ranch and fit in there too. Now conveniently priced at $70!
Comes in :
Cloud White
Bruise Black
Dusty Brown
Chestnut Red
Tux Jacket, For that Formal Occasion:
Jet black with a touch of sheen in the fabric, it entered the winter formal. There was no glove on its arm, but that didn't last. The ladies dressed as colorfully as butterflies soon swarmed around its black splendor, as if it were a drop of nectar.
Glancing down at my own Black coat it seemed to pale in the presence of its onyx glory and I knew that he would be the talk of the formal. Wishing I'd thought to buy something fancier than my fathers old Jacket, I tried to join the colorful swirl of skirts surrounding the Jacket, but was immediately pushed away.
It could be you under that Tux Magnificence. Buy today for $120.
The Bow Tie: For the Slightly Snazzy Society.
Ties are hard to tie. What length should it be? How tight should it be? What color in the world should I use?Is this too formal for tonight? Is it formal enough?
Forget that silly tie. Banish those questions from your mind. Here is your solution. A bow tie. Bows are no longer for girls, the have entered the man-wear category. Formal enough for any occasion, yet never too formal, it manages to catch the attention of anyone your with. Even your half blind Grandma will notice this graceful yet manly accessory.
Buy, and enter the uncomplicated life. $20 for two!
Comes in:
Rippin' Red
Blazen' Blue
Youth full Yellow
Graceful Green
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